SELF CONFIDENCE
Self-confidence is an attitude which allows individuals to have positive yet realistic views of themselves and their situations. Self-confident people trust their own abilities, have a general sense of control in their lives, and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they wish, plan, and expect.
Having self-confidence does not mean that individuals will be able to do everything. Self-confident people have expectations that are realistic. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves. People who are not self-confident depend excessively on the approval of others in order to feel good about them selves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They generally do not expect to be successful. They often put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments paid to them. By contrast, self-confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally trust their own abilities. They tend to accept themselves; they don't feel they have to conform in order to be accepted.
Self-confidence is not necessarily a general characteristic which pervades all aspects of a person's life. Typically, individuals will have some areas of their lives where they feel quite confident, e.g. academics, athletics, while at the same time they do not feel at all confident in other areas, e.g., personal appearance, social relationships.
How is Self-Confidence Initially Developed?
Many factors affect the development of self-confidence. Parents' attitudes are crucial to children's feelings about themselves, particularly in children's early years. When parents provide acceptance, children receive a solid foundation for good feelings about themselves. If one or both parents are excessively critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children may come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior. However, if parents encourage children's moves toward self-reliance and accept and love their children when they make mistakes, children will learn to accept themselves and will be on their way to developing self-confidence.
Surprisingly, lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of ability. Instead it is often the result of focusing too much on the unrealistic expectations or standards of others, especially parents and society. Friends' influences can be as powerful as, or more powerful than those of parents and society in shaping feelings about one's self. People in their late teenage years re-examine values and develop their own identities and thus are particularly vulnerable to the influence of friends.
Assumptions that Continue to Influence Self-Confidence
In response to external influences, people develop assumptions; some of these are constructive and some are harmful. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and alternative ways of thinking are:
ASSUMPTION: I must always have love or approval from every significant person in my life."
ALTERNATIVE: This is a perfectionist, unattainable goal. It is more realistic and desirable to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.
ASSUMPTION: I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all important areas of my life."
ALTERNATIVE: This again is a perfectionist, unattainable goal and suggests that personal worth is determined by achievement. Achievement can be satisfying but does not make you more worthy. Instead, worth is an inherent quality and all people possess it.
ASSUMPTION: My past remains all important and controls my feelings and behaviours in the present."
ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially vulnerable to external influences during your childhood, as you grow older you can gain awareness and perspective on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless in the face of past events.
Self-Defeating Thought Patterns
Subscribing to these harmful assumptions leaves you vulnerable to the following self-defeating thought patterns:
All Or Nothing Thinking. - I am a total failure when my performance is not perfect."
Seeing Only Dark Clouds. - Disaster lurks around every corner and comes to be expected.
For example, a single negative detail, piece of criticism, or passing comment darkens all reality. I got a C on one chemistry test, now I'll never get into medical school."
Magnification of Negative/Minimization of Positive. - Good things don't count nearly as much as bad ones. I know I won five chess games in a row, but losing this one makes me feel terrible about myself."
Uncritical Acceptance of Emotions as Truth. -I feel ugly so it must be true."
Overemphasis On Should" Statements.
Should" statements are often perfectionist and reflective of others' expectations rather than expressive of your own wants and desires. Everyone should have a career plan when they come to college. I don't so there must be something wrong with me."
Labelling.
Labelling is a simplistic process and often conveys a sense of blame. I am a loser and it's my fault."
Difficulty Accepting Compliments.- You like this outfit? I think it makes me look fat."
The following strategies may help overcome such self-defeating thought patterns.
Strategies for Developing Confidence
Emphasize Strengths.
Give yourself credit for everything you try. By focusing on what you can do, you applaud yourself for efforts rather than emphasizing end products. Starting from a base of what you should do helps you live within the bounds of your inevitable limitations.
Take Risks.
Approach new experiences as opportunities to learn rather than occasions to win or lose. Doing so opens you up to new possibilities and can increase your sense of self-acceptance. Not doing so turns every possibility into an opportunity for failure, and inhibits personal growth.
Use Self-Talk.
Use self-talk as an opportunity to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop" and substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that you can't do everything perfectly, that it's only possible to try to do things and to try to do them well. This allows you to accept yourself while still striving to improve.
Self-Evaluate.
Learn to evaluate yourself independently. Doing so allows you to avoid the constant sense of turmoil that comes from relying exclusively on the opinions of others. Focusing internally on how you feel about your own behaviour, work, etc. will give you a stronger sense of self and will prevent you from giving your personal power away to others.
Take time out
Make time for you. Set aside an hour a day to do something you want to do, solely for your benefit and pleasure. As well as a longer period of time each week, again for your self maybe an evening or afternoon just for you. One day each month, full weekend every three months and full week each year. Don't forget these times are for you, on your terms, for your pleasure, not for your partner, children, friends or family. This is not being selfish it's looking after yourself, to enable you to look after or be there for others
Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a co-worker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a cancelled appointment), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive - not aggressive - manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward - on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger.
